Thursday, February 11, 2010

February 11th, 2010.

     I have long been dreading this day, February 11th 2010.  It marks the one year anniversary that I heard from an "ex" via email asking if we might be friends.  I, still feeling anger from an incident that had occurred the last time we saw each other, responded with an email asking for an apology.  Of course I never heard from her again.
     And the February 11th before that I was 'two months out' from a near fatal head injury, screaming at two people I care deeply for "Why didn't you just let me die!!!"  Obviously the meds needed a little adjustment.
     But February 11th 2010 the gauds decided perhaps I could use a little love from the universe.  I woke up to the news that a heart piece I had created was on the cover of our local alternative paper, the Eugene Weekly.  Suddenly February 11th became one of my favorite days of the year so far.  The dreadful depression I have been a slave to for more years than I care to remember seems to be better managed this year (thanks to exercise and 2000 units of vitamen D a day.  And the remorse of 'a love best left undone' seems to have relocated itself (at least this week). 

     For this February 11th I am celebrating loving myself better each day.  (Yeah it's a few days early but that doesn't really matter).  And the better I love myself, the better I can spread that love around to others in my life.  When the day arrives that a special someone comes along she will not be the type to 'kick me to the curb'.   She will not be partnered to a substance of which I will always fail against.  And I will not feel like I am licking the floor for scraps whenever I want and/or need attention.  
     No, I am going to start using February 11th as the day to plan my own special Valentine.   A day to do some real Heartwork of a very special and personal nature.  Perhaps making nuno-felted hearts everyday for the last two months (in preparation for the Valentine's show) has left me lighter in my head.  It has definitely left me lighter in spirit.  It feels good to be letting the love in and spreading it around like one would spread seeds in a garden.  It feels especially good when I give myself a delicious, juicy hug and say 'I Love You'.   Like a gently raised kid I am eating it up cause it really is good for me.